DR MAROON: That’s right everyone, and a very warm welcome to you all, from the four corners of the earth, to the big night here in ‘bonny’ Scotland.
KIM: But before we get underway, our cameras were out earlier this evening watching the stars arrive. Lets join our man in the crowd, Dr Evil, out on the red carpet and hear what they had to say.
DR EVIL: Thanks Kim, and I can see the first car pulling up now. I say car, but as you can see it’s really an Environmental Health Van. Oh it’s Doctor McCrumble! And … yes, that’s Mrs Doctor McCrumble with him, in a very nice backless chiffon number.
DR EVIL: Doctor! Doctor! Over here please, just a few words… Now, you’re not up for an award yourself tonight, so you can be honest, who’s the best?
DR MCCRUMBLE: Well I always think that…”
DR EVIL: Thanks doc, but over your shoulder I can see a very sleek Cadillac Eldorado pulling in so…
DR MCCRUMBLE: Well fuck you then.
DR EVIL: Ha ha, always controversial, but unless I’m much mistaken, those ankles belong to the one and only Miss Fatmammycat, and wait, those thigh boots, yes, it’s Miss Lindy K, and who’s this escorting them? Why it’s Mr Vaporiser himself and our very own Binty McShae. That’s him with the can of Stella. Guys, guys! A quick word. Mr Vaporiser, Binty, if I may, how do you see it going tonight? What are your thoughts?
VAPORISE BARNEY My initial thought concerns that microphone and your arse!
BINTY MCSHAE: Aye! me an’ all. Yeh awright Jimmy? Have a drink, go on, have one
DR EVIL: Two of the funniest men in the business there. Back to you Kim. Look lads, leave the cable alone…don’t pull that! sssssssssssssssssssssssss
KIM: Thanks…eh…Dr Evil.
DR MAROON: We’ve just got time before the awards, to give you a glimpse of the glitterati enjoying their banquet here tonight, and I believe it’s chicken or scampi? Yes scampi, in a basket. As the camera pans round these illustrious, er people, we can see Monstee, that’s the wee blue hairy one wearing the basket, and the robot there, that’s SafeT, oh look he has done something to his, I’m not quite sure, oh there’s Mr Gorilla Bananas, the talking, em anthropologist, there’s Sexy beauty, hello boys!…. Oh, I’m getting a signal in my ear…it’s time for the show to begin!
KIM: That’s right!
DR MAROON: The votes are in!
KIM: The counting is done!
DR MAROON: The moment you’ve waiting for is here!
KIM: It is my proud honour to get these SMUG awards underway with the first award.
The winner of the award for Best Commenter is…
DR MAROON: Thank you, thank you all. I discovered that if you disable your cookies in your security settings, you can in fact vote more than once a day. Being so clever I deserve this award because none of you little people were bright enough to think of it yourselves were you? Eh? Eh?
KIM: Thank you Doc, but before you get carried away, you need to announce the runner up award.
DR MAROON: Runner up? You never said anything about runner up awards in the rehearsals, you cunt.
KIM: Shhh Doctor, your microphone’s on and we’re broadcasting to a worldwide audience of up to twenty-three people. Mind your language.
Look, here’s the envelope.
DR MAROON: The Not So Smug Award? Ok, if you say so
DR MAROON: The Not So Smug Award for Best Commenter goes to…
HAPPYKAT: Meow and thank you. I shall be hanging this in the Pussy Cave.
DR MAROON: Pussy Cave?
HAPPYKAT: It’s like the Bat Cave only more moist and hopefully less critters…
KIM: Right, we’ve got to crack on. Next category. The winner of the Award for Best Character is…
DR MAROON: While the Not So Smug Award goes to…
FOOT EATER: Woohoo! I beat the cunt! In your face you hairy twat! I beat Barbudo, I beat Barbudo, I beat Barbwaaaaaaa…
DR MAROON: Watch out for the edge of the stage there Footsie
KIM: Next up, and I should tell you they want the room back at ten for the domino tournaments, next up:
The winner of the award for Best Scriptwriter is…
MONSTEE: Me just read you comments and put them in strips. You am real stars…
KIM: such modesty is admirable and an example to us all. Let’s hope that our next awardee is as generous
DR MAROON: The Not So Smug Award for Best Scriptwriter goes to…
BINTY MCSHAE: Yoo’re all a bunch of fuckin’ tosspots. I wa’ fucking robbed. I poored ma fuckin’ soul into ma scripts and everyone said how great they were, but I’m sufferin’ fra that wassisname, ya ken, that time thingy, ma best work was too long ago and everyone’s forgotten it, only remembrermmberin the latest stuff by that bloo furry beassst…
DR MAROON: Security! Can you help Mr McShae back to his seat please? Thank you!
KIM: Moving swiftly on to the Smug Award for Best Technical Innovation. And the Winner is…
Me! Yes! Who’s the daddy? I’m the daddy! Yes!
DR MAROON: While The Not So Smug Award goes to…
Monstee! No, don’t say anything more just yet Monstee, just stand there just now son, you’re up for another in a moment and it’ll save time.
KIM: The winner of the award for Best 6 Panel strip goes to…
Monstee, for Outtakes!
DR MAROON: Hey, Kim! You got the runner-up prize – Not so Smug now are you? Ha!
No, no, Monstee, you may as well stay there and wait a bit longer
KIM: OK, now we move on to The Smug Award for the Best Series. Voting was tight on this, but the winner is…
El Barbudo for Ending it All!
El Barbudo couldn’t be with us tonight, so he sent us a photo of his pubic hair… or it might even be his beard. Not sure… What do you think Doc?
DR MAROON: I think it’s time to mention the fact that the Not So Smug Award for Best Series jointly goes to…
Binty McShae for 7 Deadly Sins and Monstee for The Language Sensor!
Binty! Stop trying to grab his Scriptwriter’s award! Monstee! Stop trying to eat Binty!
Security! Can you come back up on stage again?
KIM: Moving quickly on… The winner of the award for Best Artwork is…
This is quite incredible - she got more votes than everyone else put together and then some!
DR MAROON: Now we can go live via satellite to hear her acceptance speech.
Hmmm, that seems to be Real Madrid versus Barcelona. Hey! Don’t switch channels! He nearly scored there.
KIM: Hello, Sarah! Can you hear us?
SARAH: Oh yes!
DR MAROON: We're pleased to announce that you've won the...
SARAH: Oh yes!
DR MAROON: ...the Smug Award for the Best Artwork.
SARAH: Oh my God! Yes! YES
KIM: Well, this must be the most enthusiastic response yet!
SARAH: Don't stop! Oh God OH MY GOOD FUCKING GOD YES! YES! YEEEEEESSSSS!
KIM: Er... Dr Maroon, should she be bouncing up and down like that? You don't think we've caught her in the middle of...
...Quick, cut the satellite link!
DR MAROON: Hey! Don’t switch channels! He nearly scored there.
DR MAROON:Sorry… The Not So Smug Award for Best Artwork goes to…
You again Kim? Have you been fixing these?
KIM Well I would if you’d told me about those cookie things sooner than this morning.
DR MAROON: Security! Can you keep those domino players out of here for a few minutes longer – we’re nearly finished… thank you!
KIM: The winner of the award for Best Strip is Fatmammycat. I’d pay to see that! Hyuk hyuk.., no seriously, the winner of the Smug Award for Best Strip is...
Monstee for El Barbudo’s Wake!
MONSTEE: Me am…
BINTY MCSHAE: Why are ya still celebratin’ that cunt? He fucked aff an’ doesn’t deserve the time o’ day. Fer fucksake…
DR MAROON: Kim, finish up quickly! Security’s getting overpowered by a bunch of grannies wielding handbags and… Ow! Some fucking bitch just threw a domino in my eye…
KIM: Ok, well that’s about it folks. Special thanks go to Sarah for creating the banners, Dr Maroon for providing a goodly chunk of the writing for this entry, and to everyone who has submitted scripts, built strips, commented and voted. We love you all *mwah, mwah*
Oh I nearly forgot - Binty, you get the Bonus Award for the funniest strip about the awards…
OW! I think that old biddy on the left is using her knickers as a catapult for those dominos. Let’s get out of here…
DR MAROON: That’s no crack granny domino squad! That’s Andraste and Redhead. They must be pissed off that we didn’t give them a mention… OW!